Hello Faggots -
Just one time I wish Jim Nantzy would introduce the broadcast that way instead of "hello friends" and make everyones head explode.
The Masters, Augusta, Tiger, Rory, Dustin, Phil, Spieth, Nicklaus, Player, Me...
It's a weekend full of the game's best playing on the greatest 7,475 yards of land on God's green earth. Blooming azaleas and winding fairways. Sparkling ponds and spiraling greens. I'd give my left nut just to stand on the 13th tee box. Hell, the only negative thing I can say about Augusta is that you can't play 36 holes on it and then go home and get stoned to beejezus off of it.
The only cure for the end of March Madness is Sunday at the Masters. Sitting on the couch with a neener and a splee watching the back nine at Augusta. That's heaven. That's euphoria. That's how pathetic I am.
Transitioning from naps to snacks and back to naps on Masters Sunday is the reason why we fought so long for white male privilege. And you can't get mad at me for that joke because Augusta allows women and minorities as members now (see: Condelingus Rice).
In terms of the excitement around the 2019 tournament specifically, there is no shortage of storylines to follow. We've got Rory McIlroy in search of his first green jacket. Tiger in search of his first major victory since 2008. Phil is attempting to join Tiger, Arnie, and Jack as the only players with 4 jackets. Spieth looking for his fourth major and second jacket at age 25, and while he hasn't been playing great recently, he always gets weird at this course (except that time he hit in the water 75 times in a row on #12). Dustin Johnson is coming off three straight top 10s in his last three Masters appearances, and is in general the most freakish athlete to ever swing a club. Brooks Koepka has won 3 of the last 4 majors he has competed in. A Tiger-esque run that no on seems to be giving him credit for. If Dustin or Brooks' irons are on, it could be over quickly for the rest of the field.
There are so many good golfers right now that it's impossible to know who will round out the top ten. Guys not previously mentioned like Tony Finau, Jon Rahm, Justin Thomas, Justin Rose, Rickie Fowler, Paul Casey, Hideki Matsuyama, Jason Day, Henrik Stenson, Tommy Fleetwood, on and on and on it goes. And of course all the previous jacket winners from Schwartzel to Couples always perform well at Augusta, no matter their age or how shittily they might have played in recent tournaments.
If you aren't excited for the next four days, I feel sorry for you. Go listen to that music at the top of this page again and then go hang yourself because who needs ya. Or maybe find some degenerate friends like me who host/participate in a dozen pools every year so you can get the juices flowing the way every good hard-working American does. Gambling.
Coverage can be found:
Round 1 -- Thursday, April 11 Masters on the Range: 8:30-10:30 a.m. on CBS Sports Network and CBSSports.com
Masters Live stream: 9:15 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. on CBSSports.com
Featured Groups -- 9:50 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. [Check out Thursday's groups] Amen Corner -- 10:45 a.m. to 6 p.m. Holes 15 & 16 -- 11:45 a.m. to 7 p.m.
TV coverage: 3-7:30 p.m. on ESPN TV simulcast live stream: 3-7:30 p.m. on Masters.com
Round 2 -- Friday, April 12
Round 2 start time: 8:30 a.m. Masters on the Range: 8:30-10:30 a.m. on CBS Sports Network and CBSSports.com
Masters Live stream: 9:15 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. on CBSSports.com
Featured Groups -- 9:15 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. Amen Corner -- 10:45 a.m. to 6 p.m. Holes 15 & 16 -- 11:45 a.m. to 7 p.m.
TV coverage: 3-7:30 p.m. on ESPN TV simulcast live stream: 3-7:30 p.m. on Masters.com
Round 3 -- Saturday, April 13
Round 3 start time: 10 a.m. Masters on the Range: 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. on CBS Sports Network and CBSSports.com
Masters Live stream: 11 a.m. to completion of play on CBSSports.com
Featured Groups -- 11 a.m. to completion of play Amen Corner -- 12:30-6 p.m. Holes 15 & 16 -- 1:30-6:30 p.m.
TV coverage: 3-7 p.m. on CBS | Encore: 8 p.m. on CBS Sports Network TV simulcast live stream: 3-7 p.m. on Masters.com
Round 4 -- Sunday, April 14
Round 4 start time: 10 a.m. Masters on the Range: 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. on CBS Sports Network and CBSSports.com
Masters Live stream: 11 a.m. to completion of play on CBSSports.com
Featured Groups -- 11 a.m. to completion of play Amen Corner -- 12:30-6 p.m. Holes 15 & 16 -- 1:30-6:30 p.m.
TV coverage: 2-7 p.m. on CBS | Encore: 8 p.m. on CBS Sports Network TV simulcast live stream: 2-7 p.m. on Masters.com
Maybe I'll win the Masters one day. Get that Green Jacket like Chubbs never got.
Time to get fuckin psyched: