Updated: May 29, 2019
Believe it or not
We need answering machines back in our lives.
Remember the days when you could leave your house with peace of mind that you were free from responsibilities. When you could set a goal, walk out your door, and accomplish that goal without getting side tracked by an email from your boss or a snap chat from some girl who likes to fuck with you but not with you.
It was a better time. A simpler time. And it was all made possible because you had an answering machine. A built in excuse to step away from the world. "Leave a message and I'll call you back." The ultimate/original way to ghost someone. Oh yeah leave a message I'll definitely call you back. And it worked both ways. When answering machines were a thing, anyone you wanted to avoid you could give them a call when you know they are out of the house, leave a message saying oh man I must have missed you, and then screen all their attempts to call back. The perfect excuse.
And of course the best part of having an answering machine was walking in your door and seeing that red light flashing. Got a message, nice, probably is from that hot chick that I didn't have the balls to talk to but she probably looked me up in the phone book (another thing I need back) and was dying to talk to me so bad she left me a message.
And of course the best best part of having an answering machine was making a good recording. Top 2 of all time are:
1) Believe it or not George isn't at home (Seinfeld) (see above)
2) Leave a Message! Might as well... Leave a message! (Big Daddy) (see below)
Coming up with cool answering machine recordings was the original funny away message. The original funny caption on an instagram post. The original original birthday post on a facebook wall. A subtle way to let people know you aren't a stuck up asshole. And now if you want to look cool you can try and make a funny voicemail on your cell phone, but who makes calls on a cell phone anymore? Let alone leaving voicemails. It's dead. Over. And damnit I say it's time to bring the answering machine back.