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US Womens Soccer team beats Thailand 13-0 in the World Cup. Alex Morgan scores 5 goals

Updated: Jun 12, 2019

The USWNT (not to be confused with TMNT) beat "what's the captial of" Thailand by a score of 13-0.

Alex Morgan scored 5 of those goals. What a national treasure. Scoring goals on the pitch, being super hot and chill off of it.

But hey, how do you know she's chill? I get the hot thing. I've seen Sports Illustrated. But what makes you say she's also chill?

You think we don't do our homework at CSB? We dug deep, got the 1 on 1 interview with Alex and have included below photographic evidence with quotes of what she was saying at the time to prove that she is, in fact, both hot AND cool.

Here's Alex at a game ordering a couple drinks for herself and her friends like me.

"2 Bud heavys!"

Alex is just like the rest of us. She may be hot but in the winter she gets cold.

"This jacket itches but it covers up my hickeys"

Alex DJ'ing during halftime of a game to keep the fans entertained.

"For the last time I don't take god damn requests"

She's cool enough to do a remake of the Denzel Washington classic, The Equalizer.

"Denzel + me = izer"

"PS I'd bang the equalizer"-uhh me

Alex = cool enough to be in a video game

You know who that makes her cooler than? Michael Jordan. Barry Bonds. Bill Belichick.

"I made this player in create-a-player mode"

And lastly, she's cool enough to know that cash is king. Nothing cooler than a girl who can pay for dinner and rent and electricity and everything else I can't afford because I write blogs at CSB.

"Pay me like one of your French girls"

That's it. She's cool as a cucumber and scored 5 goals today. I'm glad I could help enlighten you about the parts of Alex's life outside of being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking.

OK, OK. Here's proof that she's hot too.

And some proof that God shines his light on her and notThailand

Go Alex. Go America.

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