Here I am, sipping my morning coffee, looking out the window admiring a glorious 70 degree day in Manhattan. 'Get Up' is on in the background because I'm a 90s kid and watching ESPN in the morning is our version of a cigarette addiction.
Now Get Up plain sucks. Everyone knows that. Greenberg doesn't shut up and his voice is much more annoying without a comedic fat guy counterpart like Golic. Jay Williams sits far to high on his horse for a guy who can be dismantled in one word - Motorcycle. Hey Jay, you ride your bike down to the studio this morning? Fuck you.
But the star of the show today is Richard motherfuckin Jefferson. The bald headed alien looking fuck who decided today was the day he was going to drop a joke he's been holding on to for years. Just waiting to unleash this comedic genius onto the world. I don't know how to rewind my tv to record and post the video so please close your eyes and imagine the video as I type out the commentary:
(Scene: Jefferson, Greenberg, Williams sit around a table with only their top halfs exposed. What is going on underneath the table? No one can be sure. Greenberg's makeup is cracking and Williams lazy eye is staring out the window behind them into the East river.)
Greenberg: 8 kids were crowned co-champions of the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night after all 8 spelled their word correctly in the final round.
Williams: Haha, everyone gets a trophy! C'mon Man! ... Did I use that right?
Jefferson: How can they tie?!
Greenberg: They ran out of words. Literally there were no more words in the english language.
Jefferson: Make up a word! Why don't we just put two words together that make no sense, like "KnicksWin". LOL!
Williams & Greenberg: Push their chairs away from the desk and open their mouths to laugh but nothing comes out or maybe my TV just muted itself because of the patheticness.
Fuck you, Richard. I actually remembered Richard Jefferson being a good basketball player, until I looked up his stats. You played for the New Jersey Nets for 7 years in the 00s, during the prime years of your career, and averaged 17/5/3. Those are Tim Hardaway Jr type numbers. Granted he played 18 seasons which is impressive stamina but here are some career averages:
3P FG: 37%
These are not the numbers of a guy who can talk shit. And my numbers are 0/0/0/0/0 in the NBA so I can't talk shit either. But fuck it I'm gonna. Richard Jefferson's teeth look like the Predator. Richard Jefferson's so lame that The Jefferson's (movin on up!) disowned him. Richard Jefferson's so soft he broke up with Jennie Finch because she fucked him and not the other way around.
I've been watching Get Up for about 30 minutes and the word 'like' has come out of Richard Jefferson's mouth 11 times. He's a professional television personality and he still says the word like as if he is a 10th grade girl. Grow up Richard. Your name is fucking Richard! Rich, Rick, Rickie, Dick, Richie. All better options than going by Richard. Richard Jefferson sounds like the president of the Men's Club at Bushwood Country Club. And I'm not talking about race. Although Richard Jefferson has no doubt been confused as a white guy before. I'm just saying the name Richard Jefferson combined with being a huge pussy is a formula to be thought of as a lame white dude in his 50s who wears goofy pants and has a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant, huge ass.
And hey Richard, do you know where you are filming your stupid show right now? In New York Motherfuckin City. You're sitting at the South Street Seaport studio in Manhattan and you want to chirp the Knicks? Well guess what, an elephant never forgets and neither do we.
When Z̶i̶o̶n̶ R̶J̶ ̶B̶a̶r̶r̶e̶t̶t̶ Jarrett Culver comes to the Knicks and brings the 9th best Free Agent available on the market with him, you are not welcome to join us in the celebration. You rode LeBron's coattail to a ring in 2016 and then thought people cared about you. Remember when you said Durant was soft for going to the Warriors and that "when I was on the street we used to lose and say let's run it back, same teams" and then Durant called you out saying "everyone is from the streets now" and you commented on instagram a 900 word essay about how you are from the streets, damnit! The streets of Phoenix, Arizona! Phoenix stand up! The worst thing you'll find on the streets of Phoenix are heat stroke, snakes, and skin cancer. But keep repping. And get the fuck out of New York. Because this is the Knicks city. And just because you are sour that you played for the red-headed-step child Nets doesn't give you a pass to make a lame throwaway joke at our expense.
And now Get Up is on minute 7 of their Drake segment. Worldwide Leader!