Updated: Mar 20
Starting the NFL offseason by turning on blogseason and mocking the first iteration of the 2023 NFL Draft (April 29, 2023 - Kansas City, MO).
With the first pick in the 2023 NFL Draft, the Chicago Bears select...
JALEN CARTER, Defensive Tackle, Georgia
The Bears will probably try to trade this pick but if they decide to hold on to it, Jalen Carter is the consensus #1 overall player in this draft who is projected to make an immediate impact as a versatile NFL d-lineman.
On the clock, the Houston Texans...
And with the second pick, the Houston Texans select:
BRYCE YOUNG, Quarterback, Alabama
The Texans avoid embarrassment falling from pick #1 to pick #2 in the last week of the season and ultimately look like the hero, landing the quarterback messiah they always wanted for $7 million dollars less (h/t Sonny Weaver).
The Arizona Cardinals are now on the clock...
And a trade has made its way across our desk.
The Arizona Cardinals have traded the #3 overall pick to the Indianapolis Colts for the #4 overall pick and the #36 overall pick.
And with the third pick, the Indianapolis Colts select:
WILL LEVIS, Quarterback, Kentucky
Chris Ballard has to quit at this point as a drunk Jim Irsay makes an idiotic move to sacrifice his second round pick to win a fake bidding war made up by the Cardinals and draft the guy who sucked at quarterback all season long for Kentucky but somehow has "experts" thinking he's the white Patrick Mahomes. This pick is nominated for the #2023 Bust of the Year.
The Arizona Cardinals are back on the clock...
And with the fourth pick in the draft, the Arizona Cardinals select:
QUENTON JOHNSON, Wide Receiver, TCU
The new coach is a phony. The quarterback is a baby. They'll try to replace DeAndre Hopkins instead of resigning him with a guy who looks the part, but is another candidate for the #2023 Bust of the year. When will they learn to value tape more than measurables?
The Seattle Seahawks, being on the clock, select with the fifth pick in the NFL draft:
WILL ANDERSON, Outside Linebacker/Defensive End, Alabama
Seattle uses one of the picks that Denver sent them in the Russell Wilson trade on one of the top edge rushing prospects of the last few years. His first sack of Wilson will be notable. And his next one. And his next one. And his next one...
On the clock, the Detroit Lions...
And with the sixth pick, the Detroit Lions select:
DEVON WITHERSPOON, Cornerback, Illinois
Sources close to CSB report that Dan Campbell has posters in his locker of Devon Witherspoon and will do backflips to land him at 6 overall. Barring a decision by upper brass to move on from Jared Goff and start over with a quarterback.
The Las Vegas Raiders are now on the clock...
And it looks like another trade is being announced.
The Las Vegas Raiders have traded the #7 overall pick along with the #110 overall pick their 2024 first round pick to the Green Bay Packers for Aaron Rodgers.
And with the seventh pick in the draft, the Green Bay Packers select:
BRIAN BRANCH, Safety, Alabama
The Packers make their deal to move on from Rodgers and use one of the three picks they score in return on a replacement for Adrian Amos.
The Atlanta Falcons are on the clo-
TYREE WILSON, Defensive End, Texas Tech
Terry Fontenot (Falcons GM) rushed that one in faster than I could annouce that the Falcons were on the clock. Wilson is a gigantic freak athlete reminiscent of Miles Garrett.
The Carolina Panthers are now on the clock.
And with the ninth pick in the 2023 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select...
KELEE RINGO, Cornerback, Georgia
Panthers fans around the world collectively groan as the franchise doesn't pull the trigger on CJ Stroud, but does pick up a big (6'2), fast(4.4), and impressive(UGA) cornerback to pair with Jaycee Horn. But Sam Darnold remains the qb. Four more years!
The Philadelphia Eagles are now on the clock.
And with the tenth pick of the first round, the Philadelphia Eagles select...
JAXON SMITH NJIGBA, Wide Receiver, Ohio State
Do the Eagles need another reciever with AJ Brown and Devonta Smith in town? No. But JSN does his best work out of the slot and this offense goes from "how do you stop these guys?" to "you aren't stopping these guys."
The Tennessee Titans are now on the clock...
And with the eleventh pick in the 2023 NFL Draft, the Titans select:
CJ STROUD, Quarterback, Ohio State
BOOM! Vrabel gets an Ohio State quarterback who CSB evaluators have at times called "a better quarterback prospect than Trevor Lawrence". Air McNair and Eddie George vs. CJ Stroud and King Henry... a debate that will take place in Nashville bars for years to come.
The Houston Texans are back on the clock.
With the twelfth pick, the Houston Texans select...
DREW SANDERS, Linebacker, Arkansas
DeMeco Ryans was a legendary linebacker for the Texans, and in his first draft as an NFL head coach he picks up a guy who shows incredible potential and played both stand up and rush linebacker in college, which Micah Parsons has made very popular at the next level.
The NEW YORK JETS are on the clock.
And with the thirteenth pick in the NFL Draft, the New York Jets select:
ANDRE CARTER II, Defensive End, Army
Everyone is talking about the Jets having a great defense but they lack talent and depth at the most vital position on an NFL defense in the 21st century, a pass rusher. Carter comes with questions playing for West Point but he's a monster and go USA.
The New England Patriots are now on the clock.
With the fourteenth pick, the Patriots select:
MYLES MURPHY, Defensive End, Clemson
Murphy vs. Carter will be debated for years. Advantage Murphy.
The Green Bay Packers are now on the clock.
And with the fifteenth pick, the Packers select:
PETER SKORONSKI, Offensive Tackle, Northwestern
The Pack use their original first round pick on one of the highest rated tackles in class that may wind up being a better fit at guard and should start somewhere on the right side of this offensive line from day 1.
The Washington "Commanders" are on the clock.
And with the sixteenth pick in the NFL draft, Washington selects:
PARIS JOHNSON, Offensive Tackle, Ohio State
sAnother OT off the board. Personally I'd have gone with Broderick Jones but the Commanders are a bad franchise for a reason.
The Steelers are now on the clock...
And with the seventeenth pick in the 2023 NFL Draft, the Pittsburgh Steelers select:
JOEY PORTER JUNIOR Cornerback, Penn State
Son of Joey Porter fulfills his destiny and they become the first father son combo to be Steelers hall of famers (don't fact check). Porter going to the Steelers would be awesome.
The Detroit Lions are now on the clock...
And with the eighteenth pick, the Lions select:
BRYAN BRESEE, Defensive Tackle, Clemson
I've never been more confident than I am in my two Dan Campbell picks this year. And Detroit slowly continues to get better.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now on the clock.
And with the nineteenth pick in the NFL Draft, the Buccaneers select...
O'CYRUS TORRENCE, Offensive Guard, Florida
A big guard that helps fill a hole in Tampa Bay, but not big enough to fill the Tom Brady sized hole that Kyle Trask will do his best to fill as a sacrificial lamb until Tampa can draft a QB in next year's draft.
The Seattle Seahawks are now on the clock.
The pick is in. And with the twentieth pick in the 2023 NFL Draft, the Seattle Seahawks select:
CHRISTIAN GONZALEZ, Cornerback, Oregon
The Seahawks get Will Anderson and Christian Gonzalez. Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
The Los Angeles Chargers are now on the clock...
And with the twentifirst pick in the draft, the Chargers select:
BIJAN ROBINSON, Running Back, Texas
Honey Bijan Mustard just added 3 years to Austin Ekeler's career and makes the Chargers offense elite. Not a pick I'd expect to see mocked in a lot of places but one that CSB is proud to bring you.
The Baltimore Ravens are on the clock.
The pick is in. With the twentisecond pick of the draft, the Ravens select:
BRODERICK JONES, Offensive Tackle, Georgia
Ronnie Stanley is old. Morgan Moses is number one on the depth chart at right tackle in Baltimore. Broderick Jones didn't give up a sack all of last season and is the best tackle in the draft according to sources close to the editor.
The Minnesota Vikings are now on the clock.
And with the twentithird pick in the NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select:
MAZI SMITH, Defensive Tackle, Michigan
Vikings love drafting guys you barely hear about. Mazi Smith could be the next Kevin Williams but he could also be the Shariff Floyd.
The Jacksonville Jaguars are on the clock.
And with the twentifourth pick in the 2023 NFL Draft, the Jaguars select:
CAM SMITH, Cornerback, South Carolina
A fine cornerback from a school that has produced some good ones (Jaycee Horn, someone else I'm sure). Jags are getting close to being pretty good. A big draft for them to land on some of their early picks.
The New York Football Giants are now on the clock.
The pick is in. With the twenitfifth pick in the NFL Draft, the Giants select:
JORDAN ADDISON, Wide Receiver, Southern California
If Addison makes it to twentifive and the Giants don't take him, there might be a riot. A former biletnikoff winner will probably be gone but he could thrive in NY if they resign Jones and Barkley.
The Dallas Cowboys are on the clock...
And with the twentisixth pick in the 2023 NFL Draft, the Dallas Cowboys select...
JALIN HYATT, Wide Receiver, Tennessee
This guy had not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, but 5 TDS against greenbo ALABAMA! That alone is enough for me to annoint Sir Jalin Hyatt as the number one receiver in the draft. His go-long, way long, speed is going to fit into today's NFL nicely. He just needs a quarterback who can reach him 65 yards down the field.
The Buffalo Bills are now on the clock...
And with the twentiseventh pick in the draft, the Bills select:
TRENTON SIMPSON, Linebacker, Clemson
Arguably the top middle linebacker in the draft joins a talented corps Edwards and Milano and brings some youth to an aging defense.
The Cincinnati Bengals are now on the clock.
And with the twentieighth pick in the draft, the Bengals select:
Luke Musgrave, Tight End, Oregon State
This is a gut pick and I think Musgrave is the guy Cincinnati chooses to replace Hayden Hurst and play that same role that Hurst and Uzomah used to play in this offense. Musgrave may not be the consensus number one tight end on the board but I think Cincinnati needs a bigger guy like Musgrave to stay in and block and become a threat deep in the red zone.
The New Orleans Saints are now on the clock.
And the pick is in.
The New Orleans Saints, with the twentininth, select HENDON HOOKER, Quarterback, Tennnesse
Hooker was snubbed from being a heisman finalist (I don't care if they won, Bennett should not have been there) but possesses the skills I think the Saints are after. Another CSB exclusive pick that ain't no guess, it's what it's gona be.
The Philadelphia Eagles are on the clock.
And with the thirtieth pick in the draft, the Eagles select:
NOLAN SMITH, Defensive End, Georgia
What a pick. Howie Roseman quadruples down on having the deepest pass rush in the league and the Eagles reload with two day one NFL ready talents in JSN and Nolan Smith. The results are in. They have just won the first round of the draft.
The Kansas City Chiefs are now on the clock. This will be the last pick of the first round.
The pick is in. With the thirtifirst pick in the 2023 NFL Draft, the WORLD CHAMPION Kansas City Chiefs select...
TULI TUIPULOTU, Defensive Tackle, Southern California
What do you get the guy who has everything? You get him another big fella to hang out with and take care of the trenches. Could do worse for a mentor than Chris Jones if you are Tuli.
And that concludes the first round of the 2023 NFL Draft. Unfortunately the NFL and the Broadcasters ruined the Saturday/Sunday rounds 1-2/rounds 3-7 format we used to enjoy, so join us next time for rounds 2 and 3.
Thank you and good night.