Updated: May 3, 2019
The NFL and TV networks tried to ruin the NFL Draft by moving it from Saturday/Sunday to Thursday/Saturday/Sunday - forcing fans to watch 4+ hours of garbage analysis and conversation between the most egotistical human beings on the planet on Thursday night for the pay-off of hearing 32 players names get called, but fuck em. It's still one of the most exciting and highly anticipated days of the year. Every team has a reason to be excited, especially those who suck ass. Surprisingly Cleveland is not celebrating their Super Bowl in April this year. They traded their first rounder to the G-Men. Joining Cleveland as teams without a pick in the first round tonight are New Orleans (traded to Green Bay), Chicago (traded to Oakland), and Dallas (traded to Oakland). Sucks to be you (unless you trade back in).
Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay have arguably the greatest jobs on the planet. They get paid to watch college football games & highlight tape, evaluate draft-eligible players, and predict NFL teams' draft strategies/picks. All with zero consequences of being right or wrong. Mel Kiper Jr. has more job security than Tom Brady. It's insane how many incorrect takes he's had on players while still being labeled a "trusted expert" on player analysis and evaluation. Fuck anyone who calls themselves an expert on predicting the future. Fuck you Mel. Fuck you Todd. Fuck you my neighbor the fortune teller. You're all assholes for being so sure about future outcomes that are impossible to predict. Jimmy Clausen. Where were you on that one dipshit?
Back to what's really important. Here is my 1st round Mock Draft:
Mock Drafter's note that this is how I would draft if I were each team given the picks that happen ahead of them. Although I have incredibly strong sources in each war room, I prefer not to go inside the mind of an NFL GM and predict who he likes most. This is who I like the most, given each team's needs and player availability. Also there are a fuck ton of good players and only 32 slots so some guys are getting the shaft to the second round.
PS - I'm an expert
PPS - This video of former Colt's GM Bill Tobin calling out Mel Kiper for being a pussy who has no right giving draft analysis is hilarious. This is from 1994. Kiper has been sitting behind a desk on camera talking about 40 yard dashes and 3 cone drills for over 25 years. What a life.