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Here lie the 2019 Mets

The 2019 Mets are officially dead. Mathematically eliminated from post season contention. And frankly, it's a lot later in the season than anyone predicted. We had the highs, we had the lows, we had the lows, we had the lows. Let's give her one last thanks for the memories.

A Special Thanks to....

Jacob deGrom: Finished the season at 11-8 with a 2.43 ERA, 255 Ks and a 0.97 WHIP on 204 IP. He's the odds on favorite to bring home his second consecutive Cy Young. Too bad our pathetic organization had to squander back to back miracle seasons by Jake with zero playoff appearances. #48 will undoubtedly be up in the rafters one day, and one can only expect that on that day the Mets will again score zero runs as a tribute.

Pete Alonso: Pistooooooooooooooool Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeete. The Polar Bear. The best fucking baseball player in New York. Pete mashed his way to 50+ homers (currently at 51 with 4 games to play) and set our hearts on fire all season long. He won the HR Derby in July. He will most likely win NL Rookie of the Year and if he doesn't we riot. The best part of Pete's season to me was his defense. We knew he had the potential to mash and he more than lived up to that potential this year, but the "experts" all were pessimistic about his ability to hold his own in the field at the major league level. Well he shut those assholes up by being about as sure handed a first basemen we've had since Johnny "Helmets" Olerud. Pete made diving plays in the field, scooped nearly everything in sight, and was for the most part exactly what you want in a first basemen: unnoticed. Pete should be wearing the C before long. I predict to start the 2021 season and let's just hope he doesn't catch the curse of Metsitis.

Jeff McNeil: The Squirrel was lights out all season long aside from a few stints on the injured list. He broke his hand earlier this week so his season is over. His stat line in 2019 comes to a close at .318/.384/.531 with 23 HR and 75 RBI. A .916 OPS ain't bad for a squirrel. His defense was also phenomenal as he played nearly every position on the diamond. Hopefully he can settle in somewhere in the infield next season if Brodie can put the pieces together in the offseason. Jeff made the All Star game, finished 4th in the league in hitting and soon will be named NL Batting Champ. Mark my words.

Seth Lugo: Enter Sethman. Seth was about as dominant a reliever we've seen since, well since fucking ever. He was NL Reliever of the Month in July and was really the only bright spot in an otherwise futile bullpen. He came in. He saw hitters. He dominated them. Special thanks to you, Seth, for keeping Edwin Diaz out of the game as long as possible.

A Simple Thanks to...

The Rest of the Starting Pitching: Steven Matz, Zack Wheeler, Noah Syndergaard, Marcus Stroman and Jason Vargas. You all were satisfactory. If we were to make the playoffs I would be proud to call you my rotation, and I think this staff is tailor made to be a playoff beast (see: 2015). We'll see if Wheeler comes back. Vargas is obviously already gone but I felt it necessary to thank him as he did somehow carry this staff for a few weeks in June/July before being shipped to Philly for peanuts. If we can retain Wheeler on the 1 year $18 mil qualifying offer then I think we should, and we roll the dice again with this crew in 2020.

Amed Rosario: Rosario had a nice coming out season. With a few games left he's hitting .286 with 15 HRs and 71 RBI, slashing .286/.323/.434. He was lights out in the second half of the season, leading the league most of the way in average from the all star break on. His defense was awful. He needs to improve drastically next season if he wants to be a major league short stop. The hitting was good enough to earn him a simple thanks and I'm hopeful that Amed will be an all star shortstop sooner than later.

J.D. Davis: I have a structured settlement and I need runs now. CALL J.D. DAVIS! 877-RUNS-NOW! One of my favorite nickname/chants in a while. JD also mashed all season particularly in the second half. He's hitting .305 with 20 HRs 53 RBI and a slash line of .305/.367/.513. JD contributed on defense at third and left field. He was versatile, clutch, and most of all a big surprise. JD looks like he'll be a staple of this team moving forward and at 26 years old, there's a lot to be excited about.

Wilson Ramos: dun-nuh, dun-nuh, Wil-soooooooooooon. Ramos delivered an impressive season at the plate even with some controversy behind the plate for some pitchers (cough Noah). He led all catchers by hitting .286, he drove in 73 runs and smacked 14 balls over the fence with a slash line of .286/.350/.415. His season highlight was a 26-game hit streak that included 3 pinch hits and if not for an amazing play up the middle in the 9th inning of game 27, who knows how long he could have extended the streak. Wilson was exactly what I hoped he would be at the plate and I hope he delivers again next season in the final year of his 2 year deal.

Michael Conforto: Big Mike was healthy and he was hitting bombs pretty much all year long. He has 33 HRs but is only hitting .257 which kept him out of the Special Thanks. Need to see that average go up next year Scooter which hopefully in turn drops his strikeout numbers. Mike struggled against lefties and I hope he works on that in the offseason. His swing is still as smooth as butter and he is an underrated defender in both corners of the outfield. If we can bring in a legit CF so he can focus on hitting and corner OF play I think he will return to the All Star game. I will undoubtedly place my annual future bet of Mike winning the MVP, cause damnit he can do it.

A Go Fuck Yourself Thanks to....

The Bullpen: Besides Seth of course. Edwin Diaz? Fuck you. Jeurys Familia? Fuck you. The other guys? Well I didn't expect that much from you but you had an opportunity to be a pleasant surprise and you weren't so, fuck you. Mickey sucked at using this bullpen but for guys like Familia and Diaz to suck so bad at every turn was just pathetic and nauseating. Please someone on earth come play for the Mets and be a reliable reliever. It's like trying to split the atom. It'll never happen no matter who we get damnit!

Mickey Callaway: Peace out Mickey! I half believe that the Mets are retiring Jerry Koosman's #36 next year just to send a message to Mickey, who has been wearing 36 since joining the Mets. Mickey, I had very high hopes for you when you were hired since you brought great success to the Cleveland pitching staff. However, you weren't prepared to coach in New York and you weren't prepared to coach in the National League. Now go back to middle America where you belong as a pitching coach for the Minnesota Twins or something. You have a killer beard though. I just wish I was in that locker room when you and Vargas almost fought Tim Healy from NY Newsday.

Yoenis Cespedes: Yo - you fucking letdown. You missed the first half of the season with some bullshit nagging hamstring injuries that we all know you never tried to rehab. Then you fucking broke both of your ankles falling off the roof at your ranch. Fuck you. We need you, Yo. You are an absolute monster when healthy as proven in August 2015. Where is that guy? He's fucking dead that's where. I hope you show some god damn pride and come back with a vengeance but I think I'd be better off believing that Santa isn't fucking my mom every time he comes down the chimney. All I want is to hear that "Cespedes" custom walk up song one more time and watch you compete with Pistol Pete for who will be the first person to hit the ball out of Citi Field. This team is begging for a big bat to support Pete and you could be it. You should be it! You're on the fucking team. And worse yet, you are the excuse the Wilpon's will use to not sign a big name in free agency because they are paying you $29 million. God damnit Yo. You were the man. You can still be the man. But right now, it's a royal fuck you to the ghost of you in 2019 since I didn't see you once. You might be dead. If you are, how about a little help from up there?

In conclusion, the Mets had another fucking year. A good start. An abysmal June. 10 games under .500 by July. 15 game winning streak (kinda) in August. Pathetic collapse to shitty teams in September. This season was a roller coaster and to everyone on the team who poured their heart and soul to try and make this a championship season, I sincerely thank you. It was fun. It was painful, but it was fun.

And now we wait for 2020. Until then, tip your butcher and your baker.

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