Doubling down on all the mocking going around , I present my draft of 31 things needed for a quarantine
#1. The first pick in the 2020 quarantine draft shocks all you original assholes that wouldve gone ahead and say toilet paper. we get it. its the talk of the toilet this quarantine.
the 1st pick to the quarantined man is xanax. you tell me a better way to eliminate this time.
(if any readers out there have excess, please send it to me, send it all to me)
#2 now that were feeling loose, we need to eat. which is why food is the 2nd pick of the draft. yea im not getting specific, but if i was id say ceral and ice cream. lots of popcorn and frozen french bread pizza. also uncle bens microwavable rice cause its perfect every time. and hot sauce. valentinas to be specific
#3 puzzles . just lose all comprehension for anything time relate. take a photo of me naked and turn it into a puzzle
#4 running water. yeah after weve secured all the xanax and food and puzzles, we can worry about drinking water.. running drinking water to be specific. cause even in apocalyptic times itll apply: "in this economy?"
#5 a window to open.. this has all the means and pedigree to be the first overall pick. until you realize what that first overall pick is
#6 a way to grill with a propane tank. lets get crazy
#7 clean socks - ill get this out of the way right now, we arent choosing toilet paper. itll fall to day 2 or 3 of the draft. not my problem (nmp). socks = how else are you gonna wipe your ass?
#8 q tips. could easily be a top 3 pick.
#9 a un satisfiable hunger for pushups and planks
#10 a working alarm clock. lets get up by 8am every morning
#11 cigs. could also easily break the top 3
#12 coffee mate. make your own at home .. which should be the slogan for coffee mate.
#13 about 3 very comfortable elastics for the rotation
#14 lysol spray. disinfect everything
#15 computer connection and tv . and not for tiger king. well maybe a tiger king focused more on the big cats and less on the drama
#16 nail clippers caue we dont want to come out of this biting our nails. this chaos has helped us stop chewing them in the first place
#17 a vaccine for the virus. now its just not funny anymore
#18 a dog. weve realized its still going on and itd be a great time to have a pet
#19 weapons for protection
#20 speaking of protection: sex dolls. i live with my girlfriend so im pretty biased when i say im gonna kill myself. also the amount of stupid people with stupid jokes about having a kid due to this is frustrating
#21 air fryer. were bored lets get some chicken nuggets or pierogies going... can you airfry my french bread pizza? yeah you can. fucking wild
#22 a pen and paper to write down those ideas and story lines that ill never actually sit down to write in the first place
#23 an alexa/record player / way to play music.. or porn
#24 a car in case shit gets serious and i need to sleep in it casue your girlfriend keeps trying to bring up reasons to have a baby
#25 seinfeld season 5 - you cant go wrong with any season. but this ones got the opposite, the sniffing accountant
#26 confidence . need a lot of it for times like these
#27 batteries cause mine ran out and i need some
#28 teas. give me all the types of teas. smooth move, sleepy time, breathe easy, mothers milk, ass-ter-roid hemorrhoids (him/hers)
#29 cylde in 60. just like the classic programming 'knicks in 60' where MSG gives us the luxury of only being in pain for 60 minutes.. opposed to watching the knicks lose over 3 hrs of LIVE hell. but this will be no Knicks. Just Clyde Frazier dropping heaters after heaters for an hour
#30 health insurance
#31 coffee mugs - what else are you gonna be pouring your coffee into
ive lost it